Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
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Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
DOOO EEEET
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.