I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
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I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Cause of death: Zumba
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her