those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
You Might Also Like
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Wise advice
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.