hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
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5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I’m calling the cops.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Beware…..