I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
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It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Bros before Ohioes
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Hot hot hot 🥵
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.