Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
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Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Flock of bats
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My dog ate my work from home.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”