*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
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Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Banana is the quietest snack
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.