Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
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[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares