“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
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Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”