I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
You Might Also Like
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Breaking news:
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you