The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
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I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Still my favourite meme.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?