ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
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I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
road rage
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.