I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
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The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
sigh
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Tony Hawk, age 6