Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
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My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
secret recipe
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
What?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
early stone age tool
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”