One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
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FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us