[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
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(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I’m too immature for adultery.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
just witnessed a drug deal
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
🤣could you imagine