[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
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Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.