Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
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(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Netflix and scream at our children?!
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
fly smarter, not harder
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
yea so i messed up lol
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon