Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
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*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
channeling her this year
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”