*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
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I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.