The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
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[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
This makes total sense…
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds