Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
You Might Also Like
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.