don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
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“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Cake!!
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you