Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
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Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG