cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
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Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
(2022)
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.