Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
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Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.