Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
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The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean