Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
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Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?