Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
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LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.