Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
You Might Also Like
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.