if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
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Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
He wanted to make sure😂
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Reporter: *ports again*
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*