hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
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I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
o shit
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!