Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
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When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Grandmother clock.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*