The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
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When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?