I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
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A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
just having fun
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.