Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Lmao the reply
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
@funTweeters
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me