[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
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glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
The dark side of Canada
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂