I really had high hopes for this year though
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walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Sooo many times…..
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
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Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.