Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
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Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.