Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
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Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
mechanics be like
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”