every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
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INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Sorry not sorry.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
she has a point
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh