[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
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You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
6: are snakes just neck?
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope