i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
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“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Oh. My. God.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
When he asks for feet pics
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.