Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
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Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
They also CAN sing✌️
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now