Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
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If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Pigeon open mic night.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.