When can I start eating bats again.
You Might Also Like
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.