I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
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‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
THIS HEADLINE
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.