My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
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bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers