Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
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Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I know karate and tons of other words.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15