I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
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The sacred texts.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
He’s cranky this morning
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Pat is about to own someone
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*